| # | Title | Rating | Length |
|---|
| 1 | Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Introduction | | ?:?? |
| 2 | A Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity | | ?:?? |
| 3 | A Cop Kills His Own Partner and Vows to Track Himself Down | | ?:?? |
| 4 | NASA Is Baffled by the Failure of Its Straw Shuttle | | ?:?? |
| 5 | Clinton Has Been Seduced by a Suave International Diamond Thief | | ?:?? |
| 6 | An Area Bassist Is Felated | | ?:?? |
| 7 | High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships | | ?:?? |
| 8 | The Amish Give Up | | ?:?? |
| 9 | A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates an Area Ant Community | | ?:?? |
| 10 | I Believe the Robots Are Our Future | | ?:?? |
| 11 | A Family of Four Has Been Rescued From a Burning House by a Homosexual | | ?:?? |
| 12 | Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants | | ?:?? |
| 13 | The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut Butter | | ?:?? |
| 14 | Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop the Washington Monument | | ?:?? |
| 15 | Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta to the Ground | | ?:?? |
| 16 | Jesus Christ Has Hired an Associate Christ | | ?:?? |
| 17 | A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong | | ?:?? |
| 18 | Taco Bell Launches the New Morning-After Burrito | | ?:?? |
| 19 | A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped by a Grizzly Bear | | ?:?? |
| 20 | The Jews Have Been Ordered Back to Egypt for Pyramid Duty | | ?:?? |
| 21 | Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia | | ?:?? |
| 22 | Those Motherfucking Robins Are on Thin Ice With Me | | ?:?? |
| 23 | Nine People Are Drawn and Quartered at an Out-Of-Hand Rennaissance Fair | | ?:?? |
| 24 | Neighbors Remember a Serial Killer as a Serial Killer | | ?:?? |
| 25 | Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts | | ?:?? |
| 26 | Teachers Are Apalled by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes | | ?:?? |
| 27 | Mother Theresa Has Been Sent to Hell in a Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up | | ?:?? |
| 28 | A Buck-Naked Man Stresses the Importance of Proper Schooling | | ?:?? |
| 29 | Ants Demand a 23.9 Hour Work Day | | ?:?? |
| 30 | President Clinton Is Written Up by His "Total Bitch" Supervisor | | ?:?? |
| 31 | Congress Has Approved the Americans With No Abilities Act | | ?:?? |
| 32 | A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow | | ?:?? |
| 33 | The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called for the Tragic Death of Barbara Striesand | | ?:?? |
| 34 | Hitler Was Wrong! | | ?:?? |
| 35 | McDonald's Unveils a New All-Beef Bun | | ?:?? |
| 36 | The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off | | ?:?? |
| 37 | Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical | | ?:?? |
| 38 | A New Cereal for the Poor Stays Crunchy in Water | | ?:?? |
| 39 | A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain | | ?:?? |
| 40 | The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal | | ?:?? |
| 41 | Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into the Forest | | ?:?? |
| 42 | A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is at Death's Door | | ?:?? |
| 43 | Richard Simmons Is Fighting for His Life in an Estrogen Tent | | ?:?? |
| 44 | A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page in the High School Yearbook | | ?:?? |
| 45 | The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns to Penmanship | | ?:?? |
| 46 | I Am a Bad Ass | | ?:?? |
| 47 | Quincy Suspects Murder | | ?:?? |
| 48 | Jews Are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something | | ?:?? |
| 49 | Bourbon Helps an Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting for a While | | ?:?? |
| 50 | White Castle Plundered by Turks | | ?:?? |
| 51 | Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested on Every Known Animal | | ?:?? |
| 52 | Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich | | ?:?? |
| 53 | A Family Dog Is Suspected in a Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster | | ?:?? |
| 54 | An Utter Failure Plans to Spend the Rest of the Day in Bed | | ?:?? |
| 55 | Congress Has Lowered the Killing Age to Nineteen | | ?:?? |
| 56 | Scandal in the Special Olympics | | ?:?? |
| 57 | It's Not a Crack House, It's a Crack Home | | ?:?? |
| 58 | An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, and for What? | | ?:?? |
| 59 | Mongol Warriors Have Sacked and Pillaged the U.S. | | ?:?? |
| 60 | A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled by the Pro-Hate Lobby | | ?:?? |
| 61 | 80% of Americans Are in Favor of Storming the Castle and Destroying the Inhuman Monster | | ?:?? |
| 62 | A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits the Death of a Young Boy | | ?:?? |
| 63 | The Face of Jesus Is Seen on a Miracle Hippie | | ?:?? |
| 64 | An Ant Is Born | | ?:?? |
| 65 | Babies Are Stupid | | ?:?? |
| 66 | NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew? | | ?:?? |
| 67 | A Coffeehouse Encounter Results in Conversation and Cunnilingus | | ?:?? |
| 68 | A Drunken Man Makes an Interesting Point About Society | | ?:?? |
| 69 | A Local Masturbator Gets All the Latest Swimwear News on E! | | ?:?? |
| 70 | Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Conclusion | | ?:?? |
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