| # | Title | Rating | Length |
|---|
| 1 | Intro I Still Say That Regret Instruction Manual Issue 2 Was My Best Album and I Wish It Wasn't So Overlooked | | 1:19 |
| 2 | And If I Had No Real Job and No Mortgage Payment, Maybe I Could Also Sit Around Making Music All Day and Have a Release Every Other Month | | 3:22 |
| 3 | I've Really Lost It Because This Shit Is Starting to Sound Like a Washed-Up, Half-Assed Fatboy Slim Ripoff With a Twelve Year Old's Sense of Humor | | 1:51 |
| 4 | An Open Letter to Underground Music, Those Who Review It and Those Who Use It as a Symbol of Their Individuality | | 3:15 |
| 5 | I Will Make Up for a Lifetime of Fucking Chicks Poorly by Having the Most Diverse CD Collection in the World | | 1:57 |
| 6 | Pointing Out Your Elitist Superiority Complex Through Your Track Titles. | | 0:58 |
| 7 | To Clarify, the Only Thing I Gained From This Relationship Was 15 lbs. | | 3:21 |
| 8 | Legacy of Stretch Marks, The | | 3:07 |
| 9 | First Chance I Get I Am Licensing This Track to a Car Commercial or Video Game, So Fuck You and Your No Sell Out, Anti-Establishment Posturing, or Some Such in Your Face Remark of That Sort | | 3:17 |
| 10 | Making Songs About Drinking Is Something Very Original and I Think It Will Expand My Musical Horizons Since I Have Never Made One Before | | 2:30 |
| 11 | A Funny Sample and Bad Guitar Loop Do Not a Song Make | | 3:26 |
| 12 | Dear ________, Thank You for Attempting to Never Talk to Me Again Again | | 2:21 |
| 13 | Someday You Are Going to Have a Party, and I Will Make a Point to Come Poop All Over It So You Can Know How It Feels | | 2:36 |
| 14 | Please Don't Stand Behind Me and Make Those Stupid Noises With Your Mouth That You Seem to Think Indicate to Me That You Are Thinking | | 1:16 |
| 15 | Soundtrack for Nonexistant/Imaginary Midwest Underground Hardcore Electronic Scene | | 3:47 |
| 16 | Outro: Close Enough Only Counts in Horseshoes and My Music, and Could I Get Anymore Self Righteous | | 2:02 |
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