The Onion

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Recordings

Name ISRCs Rating Length
"Don't Have Sex" (Pope John Paul II) 2:30
1-900-SWEET SNATCH 3:07
80% of Americans Are in Favor of Storming the Castle and Destroying the Inhuman Monster ?:??
A Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong ?:??
A Buck-Naked Man Stresses the Importance of Proper Schooling ?:??
A Coffeehouse Encounter Results in Conversation and Cunnilingus ?:??
A Cop Kills His Own Partner and Vows to Track Himself Down ?:??
A Drunken Man Makes an Interesting Point About Society ?:??
A Family Dog Is Suspected in a Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster ?:??
A Family of Four Has Been Rescued From a Burning House by a Homosexual ?:??
A Giant Six-Year Old Devastates an Area Ant Community ?:??
A Hate Crime Bill Is Stalled by the Pro-Hate Lobby ?:??
A Local Masturbator Gets All the Latest Swimwear News on E! ?:??
A Local Wal-Mart Greeter Is at Death's Door ?:??
A Lucky Dead Student Gets His Own Page in the High School Yearbook ?:??
A Man With Heart Disease Eagerly Awaits the Death of a Young Boy ?:??
A Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity ?:??
A New Cereal for the Poor Stays Crunchy in Water ?:??
A New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise Will Help Americans Swallow ?:??
A Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain ?:??
A Zookeeper Is Savagely Raped by a Grizzly Bear ?:??
Amos and Andy Kill Whitey 2:14
An Ant Is Born ?:??
An Area Bassist Is Felated ?:??
An Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, and for What? ?:??
An Utter Failure Plans to Spend the Rest of the Day in Bed ?:??
Ants Demand a 23.9 Hour Work Day ?:??
Ask the Virgin 0:52
Babies Are Stupid ?:??
Bedwetter's Choice Hotels 1:00
Big Friendly Dog 1:13
Bitter Human Interest Reporter 1:22
Bourbon Helps an Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting for a While ?:??
Chrisopher Reeve Is Placed Atop the Washington Monument ?:??
Chrysler Discontinues Neck Belts ?:??
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta to the Ground ?:??
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia ?:??
Clinton Has Been Seduced by a Suave International Diamond Thief ?:??
Congress Has Approved the Americans With No Abilities Act ?:??
Congress Has Lowered the Killing Age to Nineteen ?:??
Crimestarters 0:43
Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants ?:??
Don King Enjoys a Grandilomentitudinous Sandwich ?:??
First Trimester Fetus: Criminal Mastermind 4:25
Garrison Keillor's L.A. Riots 1:34
Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into the Forest ?:??
High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships ?:??
Hitler Was Wrong! ?:??
Holy Hunk (I Love Jesus) 2:18
Hot Lesbo Action 4:14
Humor Editorial 0:32
I Am a Bad Ass ?:??
I Believe the Robots Are Our Future ?:??
Information 411 0:51
It's Not a Crack House, It's a Crack Home ?:??
Jesus Christ Has Hired an Associate Christ ?:??
Jews Are Celebrating Rosh Hashasha, or Something ?:??
Masturbation News with Doyle Redland 2:19
McDonald's Unveils a New All-Beef Bun ?:??
Mongol Warriors Have Sacked and Pillaged the U.S. ?:??
Mother Theresa Has Been Sent to Hell in a Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up ?:??
NASA Is Baffled by the Failure of Its Straw Shuttle ?:??
Neighbors Remember a Serial Killer as a Serial Killer ?:??
Nine People Are Drawn and Quartered at an Out-Of-Hand Rennaissance Fair ?:??
NRA President Charlton Heston - A Hebrew? ?:??
Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Conclusion ?:??
Onion Finest News Reporting, Volume 1: Introduction ?:??
Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical ?:??
Phone Sex with Mrs. Elaine Drolinson 2:25
Picking Up Girls 0:24
Post-Natal Abortion Clinic 0:55
President Clinton Is Written Up by His "Total Bitch" Supervisor ?:??
Quincy Suspects Murder ?:??
Rape, She Wrote 2:52
Richard Simmons Is Fighting for His Life in an Estrogen Tent ?:??
Rocker Ted Nugent's New Cologne Has Been Tested on Every Known Animal ?:??
Scandal in the Special Olympics ?:??
Stan the African Pride Muffler Man 1:29
Stephen Hawking's Sexy Brother 2:07
Taco Bell Launches the New Morning-After Burrito ?:??
Teachers Are Apalled by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes ?:??
Teens 0:50
The Amish Give Up ?:??
The Collectable Plate Industry Has Called for the Tragic Death of Barbara Striesand ?:??
The Face of Jesus Is Seen on a Miracle Hippie ?:??
The Jews Have Been Ordered Back to Egypt for Pyramid Duty ?:??
The NRA Changes Its Focus From Guns to Penmanship ?:??
The President's Head Has Been Sawed Off ?:??
The President's Historic Announcement 2:26
The Vatican Unveils Its New Pope Signal ?:??
The Whale Market Is Targeted With New Plankton-Flavored Peanut Butter ?:??
Those Motherfucking Robins Are on Thin Ice With Me ?:??
Touch Tone Banking 3:36
White Castle Plundered by Turks ?:??

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